Hallucinations? As If!
by uncutetomboy
Summary: A sequel to my previous self-insert "Hallucinations? Shell, no!". Leo and Raph stop by to pay me a visit. Warnings : Bashing of characters; including, but not limited to Mei Peih Chi a.k.a. Venus de Milo, Leonardo, minor Raphael and Donatello. Rated for potty mouths.


_Authoress' Notes : Well, it's been *checks and cringes*, yikes, five months since my last update to anything. Stupid anal-attentiveness when it comes to characters being In-Character... *grumbles* Stupid Hattress not behaving..._

_Anyway, this is - yet again - a shameless Self-Insert, lol. There are a ton of these on here, but this is a continuation of my previous one "Halllucinations? Shell, no!". Although, I've been assured you don't need to read that to understand and be amused by this. So, as always : Please, Read. Review. Favourite. Alert. But, most of all, Enjoy!_

_Warnings : Bashing of characters; including, but not limited to Mei Peih Chi a.k.a. Venus de Milo, Leonardo, minor Raphael and Donatello. Rated for potty mouths._

_Dedication : To my two Besties who have yet to figure out the mysteries that make the awesomeness that is I up : Neko-chan a.k.a. randomlass a.k.a Kat and Watson a.k.a. abby watson a.k.a. Laura._

_Disclaimer : Nope, I don't own Ninja Turtles; currently, Nickelodeon has the rights to them. I'm just playing with them for mine and - hopefully - your amusement. Oh, I do own me, myself, and I, though! And Kathy. But Neko-chan's her own person. And so's Laura. But I own me and Kathy. :D If I owned Ninja Turtles, I can assure you that the new series wouldn't make me have a constant migraine from smacking my head against tables, walls, chairs, couches, my palm, etc, from the sheer stupidity of some of it. I do, therefore I don't own. Unfortunately. :(_

Hallucinations? As If!:

"C'mon, Hattress, work with me, here!" Lor groaned, pursing her lips as she glowered at the blank Word Document she had up on her laptop's screen, annoyed with her Muse who - she imagined - was laughing at her and doing the Futterwacken. "Okay, I got each one of the Kathy Jones one-shots done with one of the Turtles - I even did an alternate way for her and Donnie to get together. I have Tough Lover up on Adult Fanfiction with the missing Lemon in it. I have some of the Leo and Raph and Kathy triangle, and the Leo and Donnie and Kathy triangle done - even though I need to tweak it a bit so Leo doesn't act so much like Mikey. I need to get started on the triangle between Mikey and Donnie and Kathy, seriously tweak what I have for the One True Four story - if I don't decide to just completely re-do the stupid thing -, and figure out plotlines for another Mikey and Kathy story... **work with me, dammit**!" She whined, closing her eyes in frustration and flopping backwards onto her bed, hands grasping at her short hair. "Ow. Stupid bed," she grunted, having forgotten that she had been sitting on the side of her bed with a shelf, which currently had just slammed into the back of her calves during her minor fit.

"Maybe we should come back another time...?" A voice as familiar to her as her own, caused her to crack open one green-hazel eye - propping herself up on her elbows to see her screen -, thinking she left YouTube open on her laptop again.

Lor furrowed her brows when she noticed only Word Document windows open on her laptop, 'So, not YouTube...' She shrugged, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, before re-closing her eyes and laying back onto her bed - legs still dangling over the edge - in an attempt for her Muse to return to her, thinking her frustration was causing her to hear things - it had been known to happen more often than not.

"'S jus' a Authoress, Fearless," a Brooklyn voice that never failed to make her attentive snorted.

"It's not "just an Authoress", Raph! It's uncutetomboy. She's one of the few who hate me, no matter which Universe I'm from!"

"Who'd a' thought tha' Fearless would be scared of a girl wit' a laptop," the Brooklyn voice chuckled.

"Easy for you to say, Bro; she's one of **your** Fangirls."

"Yeah, an' my Fangirls're the most vicious."

"**Raph?! Leo?!**" She sat up too quick in her haste to view the owners of the voices and ended up dizzy, tumbling off of her ridiculously high bed. A pair of arms caught her as she fell forward, having lost her balance. Her entire view was taken up by a slightly scarred plastron and her flailing arms brushed over crossed sheaths on his shell.

"Whoa, easy, there, Miss."

"You're late!" Lor complained as Leo easily picked her up and sat her back down onto her bed, "And it's Lor; not Miss or uncutetomboy," she narrowed her eyes at him, whacking his arm; she was satisfied when he jerked back, surprised.

"Wasn' aware there was a timeline, Girlie," Raph smirked, crossing his arms over his plastron.

She stuck her tongue out at him, "Mikey and Donnie were here eight months ago - **last year**! It's now mid-January, so - yes, you are late, Raphie. You and Leo hurt my feelings," she sniffled and inwardly smirked when Leo looked ready to freak out.

"Please don't cry; we're sorry we're late," Leo hovered around her, unsure of what to do. "We just weren't sure you wanted to see us."

"Why wouldn't I want to see you two? Seriously, Leo; 's not like I hate you anymore -"

"Oh, good," he sighed, sounding relieved.

"- I just strongly dislike you," Lor finished smartly, allowing her smirk out. "Except the yous from "Turtles Forever"… I have to admit they were all pretty cool."

"Well, that's a real nice thing to say," Leo frowned at her, crossing his arms over his plastron.

"You're like a fungus, Leonardo; you're really irritating and tend to grow on people whether they want you to or not," she cackled when his frown deepened as Raph sat down beside her, offering his fist to her; with a wide grin, she bumped hers with his before flinging her arms around him. "Raph - on the other hand - will always hold my heart as my favorite Turtle. Mikey and Donnie like pushing each other in and out of Second and Third, and - even though you're growing on me - you're still my least favorite Turtle," she tried to burrow into Raph's plastron as he snickered.

Leo looked genuinely hurt and muttered, "So, you like Venus more than me - hey!" He glared at her as she retracted her arms from Raph and hurled one of her nearby pillows at him; she looked smug as it hit him in the face.

"Venus doesn't exist, to me," Lor sneered at him. "She should never have existed, but that's just my opinion… and Neko-chan's. Next Mutation was a waste or time and money. Even my friend, Emily, thinks it's a stupid-ass concept and she was being **nice**. The entire premise of the show was basically a way to have a Turtle - Venus - be a promiscuous bitch. Venus, therefore, is She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named unless she's being bashed and then it's okay to name her."

"Thought tha' was J.K. Rowling?" Raph raised an eyeridge at her, obviously unconcerned as she began clinging to his arm.

She made a face at him, "The **Other** She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, then. Don't interrupt; it's rude."

"Well, 'scuse you," he smirked down at her.

"You're lucky I love you, otherwise I'd **so** smack you right now... Anyway! What brings you two by, and when am I going to get visited by Splinter?" Lor saw the confusion on their faces and snorted, "As much as I love you two - and I just hurt myself saying that, so I hope you're satisfied, Leonardo -, Splinter is my favorite character in the series... es?" She frowned a bit, having confused herself.

"Then why don' ya write 'bout 'im in th' same situations ya keep placin' us int'?" Raph questioned, raising an eyeridge at her.

"Because it's **Splinter **- he'd never be stupid enough to find himself in the situations I put you guys through!"

Leo blinked, "Did you just..."

"Casually insult you? Yes. Because you need to face the music : on one hand, Splinter is mature enough - especially in my head-canon - to admit his attractions, and Mikey is completely open with his feelings which is why girls love him; you, Donnie, and Raph, on the opposite hand, **need **to be forced to tell a girl you like her. With you it's your "honour" thing -"

"What does honour have to do with me being in a relationship with a girl?" Leo was confused and Lor resisted the urge to pat him on the head like the lost puppy he looked like.

"Because you're obsessed, duh. I mean, I get that it's a huge part of your character, but it'd really get in the way of you telling a girl you like her because you're honour-bound to defeat the Shredder, be the Leader, blah blah blah, which in your head translates to putting anyone you're with into more danger than it's worth and having a stick up your ass. Which, F.Y.I., is a dumb excuse," Lor let go of Raph's arm and crossed her arms over her chest, fixing the Blue Banded Turtle with a stern stare. "Loosen up, Grasshopper." This was delivered with a completely straight face and scolding tone of voice, causing Raph to snort and smirk at the disbelief on Leo's face.

"... Grasshopper?" Leo managed to choke out, staring at Lor with a stare she was used to : like she belonged in an asylum. She took no offense - it was actually a variation of the "how the **frig **have you avoided being placed in the Fun House all these years?" look her Best Friend - also named Laura, hence Lor - favored around her.

"Yep. Grasshopper; deal with it," she gave into the urge and pat him on the head, enjoying the way he flinched. "And **you,** Raph, are way too stubborn and try to be too tough, as much as it pains me to admit. You're also surly to an extreme and can be stand-offish. But that's part of why you're attractive; and why your fangirls are absolutely insane about you," she poked him in the plastron.

"Ain' y' one a' those fangirls?" He growled, lightly batting her hand away - she was surprised he was allowing as much physical contact as he was, so she wasn't insulted.

"Duh, didn't we already go through this? Everyone who knows me, though, knows that first and foremost, before I'm a "Raphael-fangirl", I'm a "TMNT-fangirl" - despite Leo being Leo. In the original movies and early in the original cartoon he's actually not that bad, though..." Lor trailed off for a few moments, thinking about them. "But directly after "TMNT-fangirl", and right before "Raphael-fangirl", I'm a "Splinter-fangirl"," she grinned. "That's one kick-ass Rat."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what about Donnie?" Leo was hesitant and she understood his hesitance, even as he sat down on the storage-stool she had by her laptop; she was amused when she noticed it put him just out of her reach.

"Donnie's easy; he's the one all the girls hit on - especially in the 2k3 series -, but he'd never make the first move because he's a lot shyer about that sort of thing than, say, Mikey. Plus, I think he doesn't feel like he deserves the attention half the time, because he's the most over-looked of the four of you fan-wise and series-wise," she spread her arms wide, scowling. "Which, by the way, is wrong on so many levels; he's the best, personality-wise, of you four and he deserves more stories. Hence why I always have him as having an integral role in my TMNT stories if he's not one of the main characters. Besides, **everyone **should know it's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for; personally, I'm convinced that the world would be royally screwed if Donnie ever decided to go for world conquest - no one, even the Shredder - Tengu, Utrom, Karai, or Cyber -, would stand a chance against him."

"Then why ain' he yer fav'rite?" Raph gave her a dark look, and if it wasn't Raph she'd describe him as looking very pouty; she settled on "broody".

"Because you are, Raphie-kins!" Lor chirped, suddenly glomping him. She nuzzled his arm, trapping it between her own and her body as he easily got out of the awkward embrace, "I guess I just have a weakness for hot guys with tight abs and big arms -" she cut herself off, realizing what she said and cackled. _Oh, Neko-chan would have __**died **__if she were here..._

"Transforma's?" Raph looked down at her with a raised eyeridge. "Did y' really jus' quote Transforma's, Lor?"

"We have plastrons, Mi - Lor," Leo corrected when she gave him a scolding look, having turned from happily nodding at Raph, "so it's impossible for us to have abs, tight or otherwise."

"Leo," her tone was pure patience and she continued pleasantly when he gave her a cautious look, "you guys have plastrons, yes, which basically means you have rock-hard abs, therefore they're tight. Do not argue with me, because I do have the power to write a story where April - or even better, Casey - gives you The Talk."

"I can't believe we're even having this conversation..." Leo sighed, placing his head in his hands; she noticed him cringe at what she said, though and inwardly cheered. "Can we get back to the reason for our visit?"

"Which is?" Lor blinked at him, leaning her head against Raph's arm and inwardly drooling. _Raph's friggin' hot... and I'm __**snuggling him! **_She inwardly cackled in a fashion that never ceased to make people step slowly away from her.

"Brainiac noticed that y' hadn' posted anythin' since August an' sent me an' Fearless t' check on y'," Raph shrugged, flinching when she squealed,

"Aw! That's so sweet! I need to thank him!" She eyed the two Turtles and decided on a victim that wouldn't smack her grabbing hands away.

Leo squawked as he was tackled by Lor, her hands fumbling around his belt and she straddled his lap with a crow of triumph, "I- wha -"

"Thanks, Leo," Lor smirked, kissing his cheek, even as she eyed the Shellcell she now held in her hand. "Purple, for Donnie, right, Raph?"

Raph only nodded, unable to speak through his laughter at the harried and frightened look on his Brother's face. She cheerfully pressed the button indicated and eagerly waited for the Purple-donned Turtle to pick up. "(Hi, Leo; ready to come home?)"

"Donnie~!" Lor's face hurt from the grin she wore.

"(Lor? Uh, do I want to know what you've done to Leo?)" Donnie's tone was pure caution.

She blinked, looking over her shoulder at the nearly comatose Turtle whose lap she was still straddling, "Uhm... I think I might've broken him, actually, Donnie..." She tilted her head, twisting in Leo's lap and poking various areas, growing a little concerned at his non-reactions. "Yep, I broked him, Donnie-kins!" She pursed her lips, annoyed that she was actually concerned for - in her opinion - the most annoying Turtle. _You decide __**now **__to return? Damned cursed conscience..._ She inwardly growled, put-out, _and here I thought the Hattress kicked you out. _Her conscience replied by blowing her a cheerful raspberry.

"(Lor, what - exactly - did you do to broked, er, **break** Leo?)"

Lor shrugged, "I was just me, Don. That's usually enough to break most people, for some reason. My boss doesn't even question it anymore. For that matter, Neko-chan and Laura want to know how I do it so consistently."

"(Mikey and I will be right there, Lor. Just don't... ah, break Leo any more than you have, okay?)" She heard the amused resignation in his voice and resisted the urge to blow a raspberry into the Shellcell, just to see if he'd chuckle at her.

"Donnie, this is me you're talking to - I'm insulted you'd think I'd accidentally break him more! It'll be completely on purpose!"

"(... That's what I was afraid of...)" Donnie paused and requested, "(Lor, would you please pass the Shellcell to Raph?)"

"Love you, too, Donatello," Lor gave partially into the urge and put her lips to the Shellcell and loudly kissed it, "**Mwah!**" before she lightly tossed it to a still-chuckling Raph. "Donnie wants you, Raphie~."

"Don' call me Raphie, woman," he grumbled at her, giving her a dark look which she cheerfully chose to ignore and went back to poking the still-unmoving - except for his plastron rising and falling with his breaths - Leo. "S'up, Don?" He paused listening and snorted, "How'm I suppose' ta keep 'er busy, Bro?" Lor stopped, turning to look at him as he emitted a choking sound, "Ya gotta be kiddin' - No. No way, Don." She was interested in the conversation, now, as she saw Raph go a darker green which was widely considered their version of a blush in the fandoms. "I don' **snuggle.** Ain' dere some otha way - I hate you, Don." He growled, closing the Shellcell.

She knew she looked like a crazy person - her face ached from the grin on it - but she scrambled from Leo's lap and clambered onto her bed, throwing herself at Raph. She nearly purred, rubbing her head against his plastron and ignoring the stiffness of his body language. "It's Snugglin' Time~!" Her growling cheer was muffled as Raph covered her mouth.

"Not. A. Word. Kapish?"

Lor put on her most innocent face as he pulled his hand away, "Kapish, Raph-a-el~."

"Why ain' I reassured?" He grunted, lightly draping an arm around her back reluctantly - she didn't take offense because it was Raph and she'd forgive him for not being the snuggly type like Mikey and, to a lesser extent, Donnie. They were like that for a few minutes before they were unceremoniously interrupted.

"Aw, ain't that cute~?" Mikey stepped out of the portal that took up the space in front of her closet.

"Hey, rude and not ginger, Raph!" Lor whined from where she laid sprawled on the opposite side of her bed from him as she pushed her glasses back up her nose; upon Mikey's entrance, Raph had started and shoved her off of his person.

"Aw, Dudette!" Mikey gave a sympathetic cry and scooped her up into his arms as a bemused Donnie knelt in front of the still-unmoving Leonardo, checking his vitals. "Mikey'll make it all better!" He cradled her to his plastron, nuzzling the top of her head. "Was Raphie being mean to you, Dudette? Want the Battle Nexus Champion to beat him up for you~?" He cooed at her, nuzzling her behind her ear as she began squirming and laughing at the tingles.

"Mikey, stop! T- that **tickles~!**" Lor shrieked in laughter, reaching up and wrapping her arms around his neck and shoulders to try to stop his motions.

"Aren't you cute~? You're so cute, Lor! Yes, you are!" Mikey giggled at her, slightly tightening his grasp on her.

"An' yer pathetic, Mike," Raph snorted.

"Am not! Am I, Dudette?" He pouted down at the woman in his arms.

Lor consolingly pat his cheek, grinning up at him, "If anyone else had talked at me like that, I'd have gone Karate Girl on their ass; you're unharmed, so I think it's safe to say you're very much not pathetic, Mikey."

"See, Raph? Lor says I'm not pathetic!" Mikey looked at his immediate older Brother and pleaded, "Can I keep her, Don? **Please~? **I promise I'll take good care of her!"

The only thought going through the woman's head was _If it was somebody other than Mikey, that somebody'd be hurting for saying they'd "take care" of me; I'm a adult for pity's sake!_

Donnie sighed, standing up, "Well, considering she broke Leo, and he's currently comatose..."

"I say we keep 'er, Don; if she can keep Fearless from talkin' our ears off, she's definitely a keeper," Raph smirked.

Donnie noticed Leo was twitching as soon as Mikey had asked his question and decided to try something, "Well, considering she'll most likely bee-line for Master Splinter the moment we arrive home, I don't see the harm in bringing Lor back with us -"

He chuckled as Leo flinched, suddenly falling off of his seat, "No. Don, absolutely not! We're not keeping her!"

"Aw... But, Leo!" Mikey complained, frowning.

"Don't be a party-pooper, Leonardo!" Lor whined, clinging more to Mikey.

"No. Lor, I'm sorry, but I don't think the Lair would survive if you came with us - even for a short visit," he cut her off as she opened her mouth.

"Fine," she pouted grumpily, her nose wrinkling in distaste as she attempted to burrow into Mikey's plastron. "Party-pooper."

"I'm sure we'll come visit you again, Lor," Leo sighed, accepting Donnie's hand to stand up. "Most likely sooner than I'd like," he mumbled.

"Love you, too, Jerk."

"I, that is to say..." Leo trailed off as his Brothers started chuckling at him, causing his cheeks to heat up.

"You're so **easy,** Leo," Lor laughed brightly as Mikey reluctantly set her back on her feet. "Thanks, Mike!" She beamed at him, reaching up on her toes to kiss his cheek as he hugged her to him, "You're a sweetie."

"Aw, shucks," he grinned at her unrepentantly, pecking a kiss to her forehead. "Gonna miss you, Dudette."

"Technically, 's th' second time ya met 'er, Mike; how're ya suppose'ta miss 'er?" Raph snorted.

"Awesome people miss other awesome people no matter what. I wouldn't expect you to understand, because it's hard to be as awesome as the -"

"Y' say **anythin' **'bout the Battle Nexus, an' 'm gonna kick yer shell int' next **year,** Bro," Raph growled.

Mikey squeaked in agreement at the dark glower, causing Lor to snicker before untangling herself from him. Approaching the understandably wary Blue-bandanad Turtle, she quickly kissed his cheek while hugging Leo. "Bye, Leo; try not to go comatose until next time you come visit," she grinned, her glasses catching the light and flashing ominously. "Donnie!" She cried out, remembering why she made Leo go into his previous comatose state.

"Lor," Donnie raised an eyeridge at her, waiting patiently; he grunted as she nearly flew at him with her hug.

"Thank you for being so thoughtful as to send them to me for me to play with, and getting Raph to snuggle with me. You're the best!" Lor planted a firm kiss onto his cheek, her grin widening as his skin darkened noticeably. "No wonder all the girls love you," she winked as she pulled away from him. Turning around, she face Raph who rolled his eyes as he slid off of her bed and stood two feet from her, bracing. "Raphie~!" She hopped, glomping him with her legs wrapping around his waist to hook around the back of his shell; without thought to the harm that could come to her person due to it, she pressed her lips against his own mischievously. Pulling back, she cackled at the pure shock she could see in his amber eyes and lowered herself to her feet. "Thanks, Hot Stuff," she couldn't keep the grin off of her face if she wanted to as she bounced in place.

"Did she jus'...?" Raph questioned, sounding slightly dazed as Leo, amused now that it wasn't him Lor was picking on, led him to and through the portal with a whining Mikey behind them.

A thought suddenly occurred to her as Donnie approached the portal, "Hey, Don?"

"Yes, Lor?" The Purple-donned Turtle blinked at her.

"How come my parents or brothers or even my dogs haven't come check on me, considering how much noise I was making?"

He stepped away from the portal, looking sheepish as he gestured to his wrist where an innocuous-looking watch sat innocently. "Just your basic, everyday Temporal Displacement Device; no time's actually passed since Leo and Ra -" His breath left him in a whoosh of air as he was treated to a patented "Lor's Epic Glomp of Love".

"You're **so awesome~!**" Lor chirped at him eagerly, squeezing him with her arms and legs and nuzzling under his chin before releasing him. "Take me with you? **Please~?**"

"I'll see if I can sneak something that will allow you to travel to our dimension to you next time, okay, Lor?" Donnie offered, reaching out and hugging her as her face fell. "We'll be back; no worries about that, okay?"

"Promise?" She looked up at him sadly through her lashes, the effect enhanced by the fact that she wore glasses.

"I promise. Just no writing about anyone giving any of us The Talk, okay?" He released her and quirked an eyeridge at her.

"Okay, Donnie! Give my love to everyone, 'kay?"

"Bye, Lor," Donnie waved as he turned to head into the Portal, with it closing with a popping sound behind him.

She stood in place for a minute before rushing back to her laptop where it was sat on her white nightstand - which had long-since gone into Hibernate mode. "Neko-chan's gonna be **so jealous!**" She cackled as she opened her Internet Explorer and logged into Facebook, typing quickly while humming and singing lowly to herself. "One, two, three, four; one, two, three, four -"

**Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles~!**

_Authoress' Notes : *cackles* This was so fun~! The most amusing thing is the whole me "breaking" people thing is actually 100% true. My boss has actually stopped asking me how I do it, and Neko-chan and Laura are constantly trying to figure out how I do it so consistently. *shrugs* It's one of life's great mysteries. ;D And Neko-chan's seen this and has Beta'd it, assuring me they're IC. Love you, Girlfriend!_

_I hope people enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it and keep and eye out for my requested stories - this has gotten the Hattress wanting to co-operate again, lol. :3_

**_Anyway!_**_ Thank you to everyone for Reading, Alerting, and Favouriting myself and my Stories, but most especially to those who take the time to Review; it means a lot. I think everyone else who is also an Author/ess knows this as well as I do._

Please Read and Review; the more reviews an Author/ess receives on a story, the more and quicker s/he is spurred to write. I accept all reviews: Comment, Compliment, and Criticism (preferably **Constructive** Criticism); I accept Flames, but nothing with swearing in it, since the Default Profanity Filter is on my reviews.

Cowabunga,

Lor a.k.a. uncutetomboy


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